A Guide to Your Child’s Brain
Jill Kane, Psy.D.
Janet drove her friends crazy because she always boasted about how easy her baby was. “He was easy from the get-go,” she said. He slept through the night by 3 months and even in the womb I could tell he was mellow.” Janet’s friends were secretly a little relieved when Janet‘s second child turned out to be more active and even a bit colicky. “This baby is so different,” Janet complained. “In the womb she was always moving and turning, and now she’s never quiet and she never, ever sleeps!”
Janet has learned something it took generations of scientists to figure out – each pregnancy is different, at least in part, because each baby is so different. Up until fairly recently, it was thought people came into the world a blank slate. Dating all the way back to the days of Plato and Socrates, the idea was that we all came into the world basically the same; our differences were considered to be shaped by environmental factors, the stars, or some kind of divine influence. With the advances in brain science and developmental psychology, there is now empirical evidence to confirm what mom’s already know: each of us are unique individuals with diverse brain functioning from conception to old age.
Although brain science is complicated, everyone can use its practical applications. Understanding how your child’s brain works can go a long way towards knowing their personality and thus how to parent him or her most effectively. Just because one child responds well to time-outs, doesn’t mean another child will. Knowing what works and what doesn’t work can save parents a whole lot of time, anger, stress, and worry.
The differences in our kids (or in any of us) include what is generally called temperament, but there is more to it than that. Consider this: we are all wired with a preference for either routine or for novelty. Think about where you fall on the routine-novelty continuum. Are you organized? Do you like to plan? Conversely, are you easily bored? Do you prefer spontaneity? Interestingly, we tend to marry our opposites. Most likely, whichever brain type you have chances are your partner has the other type.
Now think about this: If you are someone who prefers routine, you probably establish routines easily, become a bit anxious when you have to adapt to something new, and it may take you awhile to habituate to a routine that’s new. Generally, you fall a bit more towards the Obsessive-Compulsive side of the continuum. On the other side of the continuum is the person who habituates easily to things, gets bored kind of easily, and enjoys risks and roller coasters. This person falls on the Attention Deficit side of the equation. Remember – this is all a continuum of normal brains and normal functioning, simply a matter of personality and preference based on the biology of your brain (neuroscientists have identified the neurotransmitter dopamine to be involved – but that is a whole other topic).
Here is how this knowledge can help you parent your kids. A kid who falls on the orderly side of things will probably take his time in the toy store picking out just the right toy. He will probably do well in a structured school environment, big groups of people may be overwhelming so he may cling, and when he needs discipline, time outs will probably work quite nicely. Knowing these things can help you plan so that the day runs more or less smoothly. In terms of discipline, kids who fall on the Obsessive Compulsive side of things tend to respond well to punishment. Time outs are a gentle form of that, and it will often be enough to stop the poor behavior. Because this child like routine, transitions may go a little easier, as the child comes to know what to expect from the day (wake, diaper, breakfast, play, nap etc). Luckily, if the routine at bedtime is consistent, getting the child to sleep will go relatively smoothly.
If your kid is more on the Attention Deficit side, she may grab the first shiny toy she sees at the store, will be antsy in a structured school program, big groups of kids will excite her, and when she needs discipline, punishment won’t work very well. With these kids, positive reinforcement, or rewards, work much better. Often these are the kids that are more frustrating for parents to deal with because it seems as if they are just not listening. However, if you understand their brain, you will know that her brain is not wired for quiet routine. Punishing a child with this kind of brain will probably cause mutual frustration and anger. Plus, it won’t do much to curb the offending behavior anyway. Its not that this kid isn’t listening, its that her brain is wired to seek reward. When good behavior results in stickers or treats, or whatever it is your child likes, discipline should work well. Time outs won’t work as well as redirection towards an enjoyable activity. The key is to find what your child likes and incorporate it into the day for smoother, less frustrating experiences.
Using Janet’s children as an example, the first mellow boy is probably on the OCD side of things. He likes the routine of waking, eating, sleeping. He knows what to expect and finds that comforting. The second child is the opposite. She wants more stimulation, she is bored more easily, and although she may feel like the more difficult child to parent, in some ways she is easier because she isn’t so rigid and anxious. Again, these are all healthy children and functional children. They are simply wired differently. With an understanding of their brain, Janet can make parenting decisions that are the best fit to help guide and nurture them. When the first child acts up, a time out will curb the behavior, The trick to the second child will be to keep her involved in pleasurable activities so she can remain focused and calm.
Of course, these are simple examples with simple solutions. Chances are your kids are way more complicated. Consider identifying what kind of brain your child was born with and test out different ways of relating to and disciplining them. The more knowledge you have about how your child’s brain works, the less frustrated you will become with your child. So many times I hear that a child is stubborn, rigid, or difficult, when really it’s just that well meaning parents are using ineffective techniques to try and get the behavior they want.
All of us are born with a preference for one side of the continuum or the other and most of us are closer to the middle than the extreme. If your child feels extreme, discuss your concerns with your pediatrician who can help you evaluate and problem solve.
Because everybody’s brain works differently, a one-size fits all approach to parenting doesn’t exist. This can be disappointing to some because it would be so easy to simply trust the Ferber Method, refer to Dr. Spock (old school) or Dr. Brazelton, or take friend’s advice. All of these “experts” have excellent information and good ideas to help guide parents, but knowing how your child’s brain works can help you make the most of the books you read or the advice you seek. We have all heard that there is no manual for parenting, but brain researchers are finding keys to human behavior that can help us to parent our children more effectively.
